Spare Some Change?

Thanks for joining me again, and tuning in to my brand new blog! I'm excited to get my messages of wellness and hopefulness out in to the world from a new perspective and to a wider audience.

Last week at Sierra Rose Farms, Lee Ann ended my session with a question to ponder for the week. The question was "What do you do when you can't change things?" This was pretty dicey territory for me, because as we all know... there aren't many things we CAN change except for our own actions, reactions, thoughts...just ourselves.

When I arrived at the farm this week, the question was posed again. What do you do when you can't change things? "The right answer," I said, "is what we all know from the Serenity Prayer. ACCEPT the things we can't change." But in reality, I know I spend a lot of time in frustration, beating my figurative head against a figurative wall.... making plans......wishing for the Golden Ticket. I followed Christine to the pasture to collect the horses for today's lesson.

We went to a smaller area in the farm where only two miniature horses were penned. "Hi handsome!" Christine greeted the black and white horse. I noticed that neither he nor his cream-colored pasture-mate was excited about being led into the arena barn. These horses were definitely different from the playful, snorting minis of last week, but I didn't know why. In fact, Black-and-White was even rather obstinate! It took a pull from Christine at the front and a push from LeeAnn in the rear to get him into the barn. Once the barn doors were shut and the leads were off, it was go time. These horses galloped and trotted and pranced in circles through the sand. They'd kick up their rears, throwing grit in the face of whomever happened to be lagging behind at the moment, and just keep on running. The energy! The beauty!

Lee Ann, from time to time, would ask me a question.... "What do you think that means?" You know, like when one of them poops and then the other one poops right on top. "Territorial," I mused, feeling ever so like I'm going to get caught being dumb any minute. "Where is their comfort zone?" "Where is your comfort zone?" Lots of observing these wild miniature horses until finally.... Lee Ann hands me the lead. "Go get yourself one!"

"HUH????" Little Ol' Me? Clearly I was even more at loose ends than I was last week. It didn't seem like Lee Ann or Christine had control of these two animals -- what was I supposed to do?

I knew chasing them wouldn't work. See last week's entry for how well it works to chase a horse when you want to catch one. I walked around the barn and observed. There were construction workers on one side of the barn, hammering loudly. The horses seemed to stay away from the side of the hammering. I clapped my hands and found little, if any, response from the horses. I made clicking noises with my mouth. There was a barrel nearby and I began to pound on it in cadence with the hammer, and the horses responded by going into a corner for a moment.

Again, with the questions... "Where is your comfort zone?" ("I don't have one!") "Where is their comfort zone?"

I flipped the barrel on to its side and sat on it and then, the idea.... to fall on to my knees in the sand. I did... and the horses stopped, and walked right to me. They did not allow me to put them on a lead, but things had changed. Things had definitely changed.

I had gotten into their comfort zone by leaving my own. Ah ha! As I pondered the miraculous moment later I was reminded of those graph-thingys in Psych 101, where there are two separate circles but when a small bit of each one integrates with the other, there becomes an overlapping oval. I had created the oval!

I stayed there on the ground and got acquainted with Sailor, the black and white horse who was

born at Sierra Rose, and Major, the cream-colored horse. In the photograph, Sailor and Major are taking a much needed drink of water. Did you know -- and I did not -- that horses sweat? They had become quite hot with all the exercise and because it was a cold day, they had to stay in the arena after my session to cool off before going back into the winter air.

Lee Ann asked me if I wanted to know what was special about Sailor and Major and of course, I did! "They're stallions!" she grinned. Ah, stallions. Stallions with all the testosterone and energy and piss and vinegar you expect from young men. Stallions who are responsible for the majority of the pregnant mares I mentioned last week.

I never ended up "getting" a horse on a lead, but in the end, the idea wasn't that at all. It was getting a horse to come to me.. and it was up to me to figure out the terms of the agreement.

I want to find a way to articulate the way learning from horses is different from sitting on the therapy couch. You have to DO instead of SAY what you're going to do. My mind doesn't work the same way around the horses that it does in my world-- I'm trying to see where they are coming from and how I can fit into their world. My thinking seems more visceral, somehow.

Leaving the session I felt energized, hopeful and grateful. A short while ago I never knew this type of thing existed and now I am enrolled in it! My self-confidence is growing so much that I even decided to take a course on Cranial Osteopathy -- more on that at a later time, but trust me, I would never have looked twice at something like Cranial Osteopathy before the horses.

I can not yet say whether my anxiety and sleeplessness are improving. As I write this, I have a scheduled appointment tomorrow at the Bone Marrow Transplant Clinic at Henry Ford Hospital in Detroit but according to the weather, there's an unscheduled giant storm en route, so a sleepless night would not be out of norm, checking through the blinds every little while.

Change is slow, but imminent. We can always count on things to change but maybe, with a little help, we can count on ourselves to ease out of our comfort zones, just a bit, to make life work.

A final note: A friend in need is a friend indeed! Many thanks to Sue and Patte who noticed my need of warmer clothes and boots after last week's post and came to lend the same to me... so that venturing out of my comfort zone is a little more...uh...comfortable.

To read my earlier posts, check out carepages.com, then, sarahsbmtadventure.