Winter has put her glittering icy garments into storage and Spring has gathered gleaming buds and blossoms galore for her elegant new frock.

All things are made new... over and over again. I arrived at Sierra Rose Farms for my final equine therapy session, and when I opened the car door, I was greeted with fresh, spring air! I honestly can not remember a more amazing spring than this. Is it just me, or....?

I approached the now familiar pens and barn, and remembered the experiences I've had there. Memories flashed in my mind like mid-term of a reality series. I thought about how frigid it was my first day there, how unprepared my wardrobe had been for the beginning of this adventure. I remembered getting Stormy's tooth, which is now part of my home altar. I looked at the gorgeous blue sky, now aflutter with chirping robins. What an experience this has been. I could only smile in gratitude for the ability to have this experience.

"Today we will culminate everything you have done here," LeeAnn told me. Stormy, Savannah, Bruzer and Littlefoot galloped around the barn. All the props from my former lessons were laid out on the sand floor of the arena: plastic pails, styrofoam pool noodles, shims with words written across them, a blue tarp, beach balls. My inner child loved seeing this playground. In one corner, two wood rafters had been laid into an L shape to make the corner into a small square. Lee Ann told me my first task was to label anything I wanted to in the entire barn, for anything symbolic of my time at SRF. I ran with the tape roll and pen to the corner rafters, eagerly writing BOUNDARIES! There's a little step stool we sometimes used for a seat. ONE STEP AT A TIME!! Tape on the wall of the barn: SCHOOL! LeeAnn reminded, "You can label the horses if you want to." Stormy happened to be in the vicinity and again recalling his tooth, I taped GOOD LUCK on his tangled mane. Finding my figurative head and heart from last time, they were labeled OPEN MIND and STRONG HEART.

After labeling, the task was to take the things I wished into the cordoned-off corner of the barn. This corner was to be my new "house,"-- my new life, my new experience.

First I dragged one of the blue barrels which LeeAnn, Christine and I had sat upon to confer each week, labeled, GOOD FRIENDS. Better have some good folks in my new house to talk to! As I carried each labeled item or stick into my "house," LeeAnn urged me to talk about each one, and why I was choosing it.

GOOD LUCK -- Stormy -- wandered in and out of the "house" and LeeAnn noted, "Good luck comes and goes." True enough, but I wholeheartedly believe that sometimes the things we think of as bad luck turn around after time and become good luck. For instance, having cancer was bad luck. But it reunited me with my sister and she saved my life when she gave me her bone marrow, so it turned out to be good luck.

I grabbed sticks with ACCEPTANCE, TOLERANCE, HOPE and TEAMWORK and added them to my house. The tape from the barn door, SCHOOL, was brought in as a representation of one of my favorite themes -- life as school. Every day has a learning experience!

It was easy to leave out things like fear, judgment, seeking permission, anger. I could put them in storage if I need to use them again, but do I need them in my everyday existence? If I am to build a new life then what shall my new spring wardrobe include?

A crazy and colorful hat, Kentucky Derby-worthy, to remind me to keep an open mind AND a sense of humor. Maybe some rose-colored glasses not for denial but to help me see things in their best possible light. A heart-shaped pendant to remind me to keep my heart open and treat every situation with tender loving care. A cloak made of the strong, silken threads of hope. These threads are created and woven together by the relationships in my life. The nature of the cloak is also to allow any negative influences to fly off of me instead of clinging and becoming burdens. I keep my comfortable jeans, t-shirt and shoes to keep doing the things I love to do best: working, walking, writing.

Nature cycles and re-cycles. Winter always turns to Spring. As human beings, we also cycle and re-cycle. We can let go of old beliefs or patterns of behavior that don't fit us or don't look good on us anymore. We can outfit ourselves in new garments appropriate for new circumstances, or maybe just because it's time to have something NEW. There are lots of places to "shop" for the new and better things. I happened to find Sierra Rose Farms a most delightful place to look, and to find, a fresh wardrobe.

Spare Some Change?

Thanks for joining me again, and tuning in to my brand new blog! I'm excited to get my messages of wellness and hopefulness out in to the world from a new perspective and to a wider audience.

Last week at Sierra Rose Farms, Lee Ann ended my session with a question to ponder for the week. The question was "What do you do when you can't change things?" This was pretty dicey territory for me, because as we all know... there aren't many things we CAN change except for our own actions, reactions, thoughts...just ourselves.

When I arrived at the farm this week, the question was posed again. What do you do when you can't change things? "The right answer," I said, "is what we all know from the Serenity Prayer. ACCEPT the things we can't change." But in reality, I know I spend a lot of time in frustration, beating my figurative head against a figurative wall.... making plans......wishing for the Golden Ticket. I followed Christine to the pasture to collect the horses for today's lesson.

We went to a smaller area in the farm where only two miniature horses were penned. "Hi handsome!" Christine greeted the black and white horse. I noticed that neither he nor his cream-colored pasture-mate was excited about being led into the arena barn. These horses were definitely different from the playful, snorting minis of last week, but I didn't know why. In fact, Black-and-White was even rather obstinate! It took a pull from Christine at the front and a push from LeeAnn in the rear to get him into the barn. Once the barn doors were shut and the leads were off, it was go time. These horses galloped and trotted and pranced in circles through the sand. They'd kick up their rears, throwing grit in the face of whomever happened to be lagging behind at the moment, and just keep on running. The energy! The beauty!

Lee Ann, from time to time, would ask me a question.... "What do you think that means?" You know, like when one of them poops and then the other one poops right on top. "Territorial," I mused, feeling ever so like I'm going to get caught being dumb any minute. "Where is their comfort zone?" "Where is your comfort zone?" Lots of observing these wild miniature horses until finally.... Lee Ann hands me the lead. "Go get yourself one!"

"HUH????" Little Ol' Me? Clearly I was even more at loose ends than I was last week. It didn't seem like Lee Ann or Christine had control of these two animals -- what was I supposed to do?

I knew chasing them wouldn't work. See last week's entry for how well it works to chase a horse when you want to catch one. I walked around the barn and observed. There were construction workers on one side of the barn, hammering loudly. The horses seemed to stay away from the side of the hammering. I clapped my hands and found little, if any, response from the horses. I made clicking noises with my mouth. There was a barrel nearby and I began to pound on it in cadence with the hammer, and the horses responded by going into a corner for a moment.

Again, with the questions... "Where is your comfort zone?" ("I don't have one!") "Where is their comfort zone?"

I flipped the barrel on to its side and sat on it and then, the idea.... to fall on to my knees in the sand. I did... and the horses stopped, and walked right to me. They did not allow me to put them on a lead, but things had changed. Things had definitely changed.

I had gotten into their comfort zone by leaving my own. Ah ha! As I pondered the miraculous moment later I was reminded of those graph-thingys in Psych 101, where there are two separate circles but when a small bit of each one integrates with the other, there becomes an overlapping oval. I had created the oval!

I stayed there on the ground and got acquainted with Sailor, the black and white horse who was

born at Sierra Rose, and Major, the cream-colored horse. In the photograph, Sailor and Major are taking a much needed drink of water. Did you know -- and I did not -- that horses sweat? They had become quite hot with all the exercise and because it was a cold day, they had to stay in the arena after my session to cool off before going back into the winter air.

Lee Ann asked me if I wanted to know what was special about Sailor and Major and of course, I did! "They're stallions!" she grinned. Ah, stallions. Stallions with all the testosterone and energy and piss and vinegar you expect from young men. Stallions who are responsible for the majority of the pregnant mares I mentioned last week.

I never ended up "getting" a horse on a lead, but in the end, the idea wasn't that at all. It was getting a horse to come to me.. and it was up to me to figure out the terms of the agreement.

I want to find a way to articulate the way learning from horses is different from sitting on the therapy couch. You have to DO instead of SAY what you're going to do. My mind doesn't work the same way around the horses that it does in my world-- I'm trying to see where they are coming from and how I can fit into their world. My thinking seems more visceral, somehow.

Leaving the session I felt energized, hopeful and grateful. A short while ago I never knew this type of thing existed and now I am enrolled in it! My self-confidence is growing so much that I even decided to take a course on Cranial Osteopathy -- more on that at a later time, but trust me, I would never have looked twice at something like Cranial Osteopathy before the horses.

I can not yet say whether my anxiety and sleeplessness are improving. As I write this, I have a scheduled appointment tomorrow at the Bone Marrow Transplant Clinic at Henry Ford Hospital in Detroit but according to the weather, there's an unscheduled giant storm en route, so a sleepless night would not be out of norm, checking through the blinds every little while.

Change is slow, but imminent. We can always count on things to change but maybe, with a little help, we can count on ourselves to ease out of our comfort zones, just a bit, to make life work.

A final note: A friend in need is a friend indeed! Many thanks to Sue and Patte who noticed my need of warmer clothes and boots after last week's post and came to lend the same to me... so that venturing out of my comfort zone is a little more...uh...comfortable.

To read my earlier posts, check out carepages.com, then, sarahsbmtadventure.